... what the f*&K????


DISCLAIMER: If you were born after 1990, please stop reading now as this post will include LOTS of bad words.
As a matter of fact, if you offense easily, or wish to retain a somewhat polite image of me, just look away now.




Dear Universe,

what exactly did I do to offend you so much today?

All I was trying to do was make someone's 30th birthday special.  Someone that doesn't have any family here and that didn't think anybody remembered.

Is getting up at 630am to bake 30 croissants and making fried pies for the kids entire school such a bad thing that I should be punished with an extremely painful burn on my arm, right in the spot where the keyboard hits behind my wrist?
(yeah, geeks, think about that and weep for me)


You knew I wasn't gonna give up on trying to have a good day so easy, but did the kids have to be sick today or all days when I have a laundry list of things to do in a hurry?

I did start to question your intentions when the entire school was gathered in the yard, waiting for our arrival, with the birthday present and the breakfast goodies.
Wanna guess what happened?

Exactly, the universe doesn't have to guess, cause it's omniscient and sh*%!

Yeah, my c*#p dragon mobile wouldn't start and no amount of sweet talking made it change it's mind.

I do appreciate you making help available to me so easily, but not until the school gathering was just about to dissolve and we were just about to miss the the birthday surprise "HEY, WE REMEMBERED" entirely.

After getting the car jumped and hauling to school, was it really necessary to place those cops on the side of the road? Did they HAVE to clock me going way too fu*&ing fast?

And making that police officer ask me to turn off the car while writing me a ticket, was NOT a funny joke, Universe!
NOT funny at all!

Of course we missed the school gathering entirely and I looked like a schmuck showing up late with a ton of cold , freshly baked breakfast goodies and the coolest birthday card/book ever.

I do appreciate you making the birthday boy laugh and cry all at the same time upon seeing the coolest birthday card/book ever, but then making my car actually stop running on the side of the road, on the way home was NOT appreciated.

Oh and making my "hey, can you come get my pi**ed off ass that is broken down on the side of the road?" ride get a flat tire, on the way to get me, was really a bit over the top, don't you think?


At least you made fixing the flat not take too long, which left enough time to go by the Government cashier to pay that stupid a$$ ticket. 
Now I know you have a sick sense of humour, but making the Government cashier ladies say "weren't you here yesterday paying another ticket?" while laughing was just rubbing it in!

But next time I say "just one quick stop by the bank" to anyone, please do slap me, as I know better and should know that any trip to the bank here always takes an hour.

ONE HOUR???!!!!

Having the bank teller finally come back after making me wait at the counter for 20 minutes (what the he!!?  was she printing money back there?) and telling me "I've got good news and bad news", all we have are $20 bills in bundles" may be entertaining for you, it really isn't so much for me though as it makes me look like a drug dealer.

While I do appreciate you getting me out of there eventually (even though by now my ride is pissed) and getting me setup to drive my broke-a&& car home at 10 miles an hour, having the door handle fall off in my hand while parking the car, was just insulting.

Oh and thanks for making the cat puke right next to me just now, while writing.

It's barely noon, what gives?

Signed,

 -F


P.S. Dear universe, wanna make up? I'm traveling this weekend and some fu*%ing twittering doves put a travel curse on me so I really don't need more sh*& stacked up against me.


Update 1:
Dear Universe,
I take it you are not ready to make up yet?
The bank just called saying they're not going to pay the check I wrote to the cable company yesterday 'cause my signature on it "looks funny".

Update 2:
Dear Universe,
I hope you forgive my ignorance, as I now understand that you were actually protecting me by making the Travel Curse Fairy fire his BS at me a day early.  This was helpful because my travels with two 4 year olds went off without a hitch and the stuff above is mostly handled.

To all the well-wishers, thanks for the concern and I was actually finding all of the above more funny than upsetting and wasn't in a bad mood about it at all.