Half Asleep
I don't ever recall feeling ignorant in life, but I will never forget the way I felt when I first came to Anguilla.
I was working 12 hours a day, barely saw sunlight, but as I sat on the beach here, looking into the most beautiful infinity pool I'd ever seen.... I heard a whisper from a very unfamiliar voice.
I was 32 and barely knew who I was.
Somehow, I had been living my life half asleep.
Between the decisions I had made, a transatlantic move at a young age, moves around many cities, an education, marriage, kids, divorce, more kids and a career... I had managed to completely neglect myself and hence was not able to hear, think about, nor make choices based on what spoke to me deep inside.
But how could this happen? How could a relatively intelligent person, miss something so fundamental?
For me, part of it had to do with living in the country of unlimited opportunities, that pace of life, work, that amount of "stuff" and activities readily available 24/7 to help you distract, and actually cover up that voice.
But then, when I first heard that little voice, I didn't like what it had to say.
It said something was wrong and I wasn't fundamentally happy.
And who wants to hear THAT!
Much easier to cover it up with superficial things, friends and conversations.
Plus, more importantly, if you actually KNOW that there is something not in line with your core, then you actually have to DO something to change it and THAT would be scary.
People will get hurt, lives will be upset.
Easier to just stick your head back into the sand and go back to sleep.
But, if you're lucky, once you actually feel something that is just.plain.right, regardless of what that is, it makes it almost impossible to remain content with the status quo.
I'm not sure why I seem to be having this having this conversation with others on repeat right now. Perhaps it has to do with our age range, our kids getting older and needing us less and hence being faced with more alone time. Or perhaps, you don't really realize you've been living half asleep, until you meet someone or something that wakes you up.
Nothing that is not fundamentally grounded and balanced is sustainable.
Nothing.
I was working 12 hours a day, barely saw sunlight, but as I sat on the beach here, looking into the most beautiful infinity pool I'd ever seen.... I heard a whisper from a very unfamiliar voice.
I was 32 and barely knew who I was.
Somehow, I had been living my life half asleep.
Between the decisions I had made, a transatlantic move at a young age, moves around many cities, an education, marriage, kids, divorce, more kids and a career... I had managed to completely neglect myself and hence was not able to hear, think about, nor make choices based on what spoke to me deep inside.
But how could this happen? How could a relatively intelligent person, miss something so fundamental?
For me, part of it had to do with living in the country of unlimited opportunities, that pace of life, work, that amount of "stuff" and activities readily available 24/7 to help you distract, and actually cover up that voice.
But then, when I first heard that little voice, I didn't like what it had to say.
It said something was wrong and I wasn't fundamentally happy.
And who wants to hear THAT!
Much easier to cover it up with superficial things, friends and conversations.
Plus, more importantly, if you actually KNOW that there is something not in line with your core, then you actually have to DO something to change it and THAT would be scary.
People will get hurt, lives will be upset.
Easier to just stick your head back into the sand and go back to sleep.
But, if you're lucky, once you actually feel something that is just.plain.right, regardless of what that is, it makes it almost impossible to remain content with the status quo.
I'm not sure why I seem to be having this having this conversation with others on repeat right now. Perhaps it has to do with our age range, our kids getting older and needing us less and hence being faced with more alone time. Or perhaps, you don't really realize you've been living half asleep, until you meet someone or something that wakes you up.
Nothing that is not fundamentally grounded and balanced is sustainable.
Nothing.
Posted by Francie at 1/27/2010 12:20 AM 
Categories: Anguilla, ConsciousLiving
Tags: Anguilla ConsciousLiving
Categories: Anguilla, ConsciousLiving
Tags: Anguilla ConsciousLiving
Hear, hear Francie! Couldn't agree more. Finding the strength to do things which are right for you, but which may upset others, is brave.
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sometimes is dificult to see if you are listening and changing or if you are just running away from yourself once again
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So I just came home from a magical week in Ajijic at 11 last night. Back to the real world of two jobs and never ending commitments. I was struck by the fantasy and possibilities of a new life in a new world. Charles told me to check out your blog today. How amazingly timely. I read it and am in tears. You struck the core of exactly what I'm feeling....Thanks!
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Profound! Funnily enough I've been feeling the same way lately and yet nothing has been done. 2010 is a year for change and improvement for many, and I intend to be one.
Thanks for the inspiration to make the move!
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What a profound post. I think you are blessed to have found the voice inside you. Most don't get that find that throughout their whole lives.
I *think* I found mine when I went through my divorce as well. And boy I am glad, because it allowed me to focus on my inner voice and realize the same. Contention is from within and running/chasing the wrong dream will never help anyone be at peace inside.
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Extremely profound post Francie - I did find one mistake in the text though
"relatively intelligent"
you need to replace "relatively" with "very"
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I think a LOT of people are hearing that voice and fighting it in a multitude of ways.
Fundamentally, you can choose between hurting yourself (or continuing to ...) and "hurting others" (assuming that "they" actually prefer the status quo over a change that will benefit you.
We get stuck in what we're "used to". We get scared of change - even though it's a change we can control ourselves. We are bound by the expectations of others (or sometimes the _percieved_ expectations of others).
As a result, we often choose to live our lives, never being truly happy.
Listen to the voice.
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You are so right, change is scary as shit and the status quo is so much easier. And nobody gets hurt. Except for you.
And then I think "and what if I die walking across the street tomorrow", is it still worth it to NOT upset the situation? Are you prepared to piss your life away?
(apologies for the obscenity)
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"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." - Colette
this blog entry is a work of art.
bravo!
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Durch deine Einträge erfahre ich mehr über dein Denken und Handeln als damals, als du noch zuhause warst. Ich bewundre wie tiefsinnig du über Themen schreiben kannst, wie du Gefühle aussprechen, nein, ausschreiben kannst. Ich danke dir. Love Mum
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Very profound post and so eloquently put as well (now, why can't I write like that!?)
Living in the Caribbean does give you food for thought, changing how you think about daily living compared to somewhere like the states and europe and open your eyes alot more.
It's making that decision whether to go down the path that is easy, or take the path that is correct.... you don't know which obstacles (if any) you'll face on either path, but it's the experience that makes you the person that you are.
Lottie :o)
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